December 2010
75 posts
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November 2010
66 posts
At What Point Do You Give Up?
This poor, short and squat gentleman has been sitting at the table for an hour and a half now waiting for this woman to show up. He says that he’s an event coordinator for the Playboy mansion and the girl he’s waiting for is a possible client/girlfriend. He’s nice but far from handsome. If I were him I’d be gone in 30 minutes (that’s about all it takes in L.A. to get...
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MUCHAS GRACIAS
One of the most important things I’m thankful for is YOU! I’m thankful that you read the shit I write. For all the people I know personally and all those I’ve never met (but feel like I know), THANK YOU. We’re in the same boat together and if there was anyone I’d want to stay dry with, it’d be YOU! Or capsize and pull under, it’d be YOU!
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Turkey Sunday
The average American family cooks a turkey once a year, maybe twice. My family cooked it once a week. As a budgeted family, it was smart to cook something where the leftovers would stretch out the entire week. Turkey sandwiches on Monday, turkey soup on Tuesday, turkey chili on Wednesday, etc. For most of my middle/early high school career, I was in charge of prepping and cooking the turkey. It...
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“Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be...”
– Johnny Carson
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Is That Dough Boy?
I saw Harry Potter last night with a friend. Before the title could even fade off the screen, she was already asking me a question. “Wait, this is part 1? How many are there?” She’s never really watched the movies. 5 minutes into the film she leaned over and whispered, “Who is that?” I have no tolerance for people who ask questions during a movie. If I ever have a question, I keep it inside and...
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Stalking Cat started his transformation in 1980... →
It’s as old as time that if you really want to be a popular blogger you have to post pictures of your cat. Well, here’s an article about the cat I knew that lived on the Island where I grew up. His Native American name is Stalking Cat and he’s a very unique man who’s surgically transformed himself into a cat. He’s received so many cosmetic procedures—from fanged dentures to...
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Gurl Just As Cray Cray As Me
My manager came in still drunk from the night before. “Last night guuurl got cray cray,” he said as he sashayed across the floor, doing twirls and pirouettes. “It’s the first night I’ve gone out as a newly single man,” he said as he snapped his fingers. I was shocked to hear that he was single. Just a few days ago I was admiring his wedding ring and telling him how jealous I was that he was in a...
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“If you’re not impressed with the growth of Mark Sanchez, you don’t know a great...”
– Dan Dierdorf
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Poor Drunk Man
My sister-in-law is raising money for liver disease, or lime disease, or something like that and sent e-mails to everyone in the family on how to donate. I donated $35. It aint much, but it’s something. She sent me an e-mail today with the following:
You donated $35 to our race?! My sister told me it was you and I just couldn’t believe it. I told her there was no way it was Jim...
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“I actually felt like you last night— I fell asleep with a wine glass at my...”
– My friend Adel in an e-mail to me. She’s trying to build up her tolerance for when she and her husband go to New Orleans for Thanksgiving. I’m a little worried if that’s the message I’m sending to people. I don’t drink every night and I sure as hell don’t black...
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Escalators Slicing Revolving Stitches
Right now, I’m going over my medical/dental plan. Once a year, I have to re-fill/update my insurance forms. It’s annoying. I’ve had my own health insurance for 3 years now. There was a 4 year period (after college when I got kicked off my parent’s plan) that I didn’t have any coverage. It was a very stressful period in my life. Simple daily activities made me nervous. I couldn’t ride an...
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What Would I Do If My Mom Got Re-Married?
I know she wouldn’t. My Mom is classic, so when my Dad passed away it was just the end of them physically being together. Eternally and emotionally they’ll be together forever and there’s no other man for my Mom. Buuuuuut, it’s fun to entertain the idea of what it’d be like if, at 71-years-old, she found a new man. I wonder how I’d react, or how’d I get along with him? What if he was younger than...
EXCLUSIVE: Crime Scene Photos & New Details On... →
molls:
This story is absolutely horrifying. I don’t understand why the police are searching her apartment for clues, though. Doesn’t this seem like a random act of violence*?
*this is why I will never be a detective.
This happened in my neighborhood, just up the street from the restaurant where I work. It was all that the locals could talk about today. One woman, who was on her 3rd glass...
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10 Percent Queens
That’s what we call the gays who only tip 10 percent. Yesterday, before I even went up to the table, I could tell that’s what they were. One of the many sad things about being a server is that you judge people quickly. However, due to the high volume of people you meet, you become really good at it and the judgment is normally pretty accurate. A 10 Percent Queen is sassy and far from classy. They...
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NEW REPORT FINDS CHILD ABUSE RATE AT ZERO PERCENT... →
Shocker— Gays make good parents!
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Happy Veterans Day
My Dad was a sailor and my brother was in the Air Force. Another brother, the black sheep of the family, joined the Army when he was 22 in an effort to clean up his act and get some direction in his life. He didn’t last long (he was never a fan of taking orders) before he went AWOL (Absent Without Official Leave, I never knew that acronym) and disappeared. The family didn’t hear from him for 5...
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Lucky Number
Whenever I’m on a first date and there’s a lull in the conversation, I pull out old faithful: “What’s your lucky number and why?” Everyone’s got a lucky number and the story behind it normally creates a series of other conversations. If the person can’t answer it, then get up, throw a glass of water in their face and storm out. My lucky number is 18. It was my student number in 4th grade, the best...
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Larva Sux
A few days ago I sent a co-worker this text, “There’s a nasty rumor ur going out tonight! Should I get excited or is it just a rumor?” He responded, “I’m in New York.” Wow! I just saw him that morning at work and now he was in New York! So jealous, what a jet-setter. I wrote back, “What!!! Have fun!” The next day I saw him at work. With envy in my eyes, I bombarded him with questions, “What...
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