February 2010
9 posts
My Priest Did Not Touch Me.... Unfortunately
My sister sent me an e-mail saying, “Please call me, I’d like to talk to you.” So, of course, I start to think of all the negative things she could want to ask me. I figured she read my website www.theroosterstail.com and found it completely offensive and she was gonna tell me that I couldn’t write about her. Shit, what do I do? Do I compromise my artistic freedom and not write...
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The Shiloh Years
I knew this one was a lezzie the day she was old enough to wear Crocs.
You can call a gay out at a very early age. When you’re 5 you don’t give a fuck what anybody thinks. You do what you want without fearing people’s opinions. I used to dress up in Mom’s clothes all the time and was as happy as a clam on high tide.
One time I made my younger...
I still Steal
I still steal. I don’t know why I do it. It’s never for the thrill. It’s normally because I don’t want to spend money on the thing I’m stealing. Like the tiny light bulbs that go in the ceiling fan. They’re expensive and they burn out quickly. Waste of money. So I steal them. The latest thing I put in my pocket was a stick of butter. A fucking stick of butter! If I were to go to jail for stealing...
The Lawyer
I was waiting in line at the M Bar. I was wishing that I that had worn some kind of mink or raccoon tail or anything with an animals tail, as many of the cool girls had some sort of rat hanging from their purse or ear. It’s the style and I don’t have it. Anyways, this lawyer walks up and we meet. He’s good looking. He has a five o’clock shadow, blonde hair and he’s in good shape (his arms have...
The Price is Right
I remember watching it with my brothers when we were little. I’d watch it admiring how graceful the models were. Their hand slowly and delicately moving across a shiny new Chrysler. I’d often imitate their movement when I was alone. I’d run my hand over the edges of the fridge. With my pinky bent, I’d open the fridge door and pretend that the camera did a close up of the milk carton. I’d run...
Rob Pattinson is funny
Things I used to say for why I didn’t have a girlfriend/fuck woman:
1) I’m really picky.
2) My parents wont let me date until I’m in 11th grade.
3) I’m saving myself for marriage.
4) I wanna be a priest.
5) I’m not the type to just hook up, I really wanna fall in love. I’m a romantic.
And Robert’s excuse:
“I’m allergic to vagina”
Whistler
I lived super close to Whistler Mt. My senior year of college some friends and I took a weekend trip up there (I lived in Seattle). We rented a cabin for the weekend. The drive upt here was really pretty. My firend and I blasted James Brown as we drove the windy road around the crystal lake that reflected the full moon… Everyone raved about B.C. bud, so I had high expectations. We roamed the...
On the Patio, again
While having a cig, I locked myself out on the patio. I learned two things: 1) always check the door before you go out and 2) it pays to be skinny enough to fit through your tiny bathroom window (and always leave the seat DOWN so that your foot doesn’t fall in the toilet).
