I thought rule Number 1 of dating was NEVER visit your ex at his job? Well, my ex decided to come into my work tonight. I was in the bakery putting a dollop of whip cream on a Key Lime pie when I saw him in the reflection of the mirror. I pretended not to see him as I ran into the other room. I immediately BBM’d my co-worker saying , “Get over here into the B-Room now! Emergency!” My co-worker,...
Only Christians Convert
Co-Worker: Never work out with a straight guy you're trying to turn gay.
Me: First of all, when did you start working out?
Co-Worker: Ugh, I know. He wanted to go to the gym, so whatever. I accidently fell asleep on the bench when he was working on his calves. Anyway, when we were leaving I went in for a hug.
Me: What!? You can't hug another guy at the gym unless it's in WeHo.
Co-Worker: I know. Awkward. But he looked hot and during the work out he had me touch his pecs.
Me: So you were all hot and bothered.
Co-Worker: Yeah. So after I hugged him he got all nervous. I just took two steps back.
Me: You took two steps back when you thought you could convert a breeder. Don't waste your time. Just get him drunk and settle for a blow job.
Later tonight, I’m gonna eat you like Jeffrey Dahmer.– I overheard an obviously romantic Persian teenager say this to his girlfriend as they shared the Crusted Chicken Romano. Instead of gagging, she wrapped her foot around his. Shit, flirting has changed since I was a teenager.
To Be A Pill Poppin' Stay At Home Mom
Ronnie and I were walking to get coffee and came across a regular of ours. Her name is Mrs. F and she comes into the restaurant all the time pilled out of her mind. Her husband is a dorky Jewish Dr. and she has 2 teenage kids. The entire family is super nice and the Dr. tips handsomely. I first saw her from afar, as she tried to cross the street. She didn’t look both ways, or really even bother to...
The next day John seeth Jesus coming unto him and saith. Behold the Lamb of God,...– The Bible, finding yet another excuse to deal with homosexuality
The First Part of an Epic Story about Sugar... →
Me: She’s a fucking Cig-Smuggler! I hate her.
Amanda: What’s a Cig-Smuggler?
Me: A vagina/asshole.
Me: It’s a term they use in jail.
What the 70's Will Hold....
Here’s an e-mail my Mom… sent me (this pic was taken in Venice circa 2008). She just turned 70. My Dad passed away 2 years ago, so she’s had plenty of time on her hands to… watch T.V.? “What has this world come to…. I’m 70 years old and they are showing me on T.V. how to live and have “FUN”. I am seeing ads for making my hair so slippery...
I wish "Crash" died...
How the fuck has “Crash” been at the top of Netflix’s “Top 100” for the last 3 years? Who the hell is renting that movie and why?
Is the most annoying bar. Why did I drive across town to meet people there (anything east of West Hollywood is EAST L.A. to me). The bar smelt like vomit and there were enough douchebags there to fill a Volkswagen Van (anthing enough to fill a T-Bird is too much). It was karaoke night. I hate karaoke in L.A. Everyone here wants to be a singer so Karaoke in LA. means talent show. Karaoke should...
Use this napkin to clean it up and when you’re done shove it up your...– My Dad to my little brother when he spilt his Blizzard in the car and started crying. Being 8 is rough.
HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED AT YOUR BROTHER'S BUTTHOLE? →
Befriend Rich People
My Mom gave me one piece of advice before she hugged me good-bye as I went off to college. ”Befriend rich people,” she whispered in my ear as she squeezed me tightly. The other day at work the young, rich server (who’s only working to keep social) was walking by NeNe (the 54-year-old sweet African American woman who’s been serving tables since IHOP opened)...
Super Clean Snobby Slut Whore Bitch
I’ve got three days before I get on a plane (in which I’ll prolly have a panic attack) and head back to Seattle to see my family. My Mom called and said that she had cleaned the house top to bottom for me. I’m a neat freak and every time I go home I complain how dirty it is. We grew up in a messy house. I suppose that when you raise 10 kids you kind of give up picking up after...