December 2011
44 posts
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Gracie’s step dad normally gives her a ride...
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Watch I worked a double today so when Ronnie asked if I wanted to come over to his place after work and help take down decorations, I shook my head no. Then he said there’d be cocktails and nothing sounded better than a cocktail after a 16 hour shift… So now here I am sitting on his couch after wrapping only 3 ornaments and feeling completely overwhelmed. Ronnie’s place is more...
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Escandalo
“I design boots and high heels,” Luis said. “I’m wearing a pair of my boots now.” He kicked his foot out from under the table to show me.
“How often do you try on a pair of your heels?” I asked while pouring him a second glass of Sherry.
He made a yuck face.
“What?! Never. That’s weird.”
“Oh dear,” I said.
Luis comes from a strict Catholic family with 8 brothers. He...
Kitchen Conversation
Sweet D is making bourbon glazed pork chops with roasted acorn squash. We’re talking about her new job. She’s almost done with training and in a few short days she’ll be on the floor making her own money.
Sweet D: We don’t call them busboys. We have to call them S.A.’s.
Me: Ese?! Wow, that’s pretty progressive.
Sweet D: No, not (in a chola accent) ese. The letters S and A. It stands...
Water Pressure
The city has been fixin’ somethin’ outside my apartment for the last two weeks. Mr. Prinz called the other day to ask if everything was alright with my water pressure.
“As a matter of fact, the kitchen faucet has no pressure,” I said. “And the tub is dripping.” I don’t know why I never bother to call a landlord when something is wrong. It’s not that I’m lazy or forgetful; it’s just that...
Watch ”Battle of The Bitches”
Setting: The Hollywood Tower lounge where Carmen Miranda got married.
Cast:
Hazel: The sassy, well dressed Prince impersonator who lives on the premise in exchange for giving tours. He loves the place he works so much that he acts as though it’s his. He stops random mail carriers to ask them if there’s anything for him. Hazel has a secret crush...
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Hope It's A Good One
I got a text at 4:47 p.m. from Luis apologizing for having to cancel on me last minute. He wrote, “something came up. ” I wrote back, “No worries.” My friends felt bad for me and invited me to join them on their double date. Straight couples my age love to visit San Diego. They also love Kanye West and Jay Z. I asked each of them what would be their #1 reason for canceling a date like...
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Watch We went in with the idea that we were two friends looking for a 2-bedroom apartment. Hazel, our gay tour guide, sat us down and asked a few preliminary questions, you know, just to asses if this was going to be a waste of his time. I relied on my charm and not on my credit to get me through and Adele solidified herself as a professional when she handed him a business card. He took us on a...
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Watch My girl Rosie is moving in with her boyfriend. Many of my friends are at that point in their lives. The idea of me moving in with a boyfriend is so far removed that it’s not even on my radar. Correction, the idea is on my radar and blinking like a turn signal; the possibility is what’s so far away that I can’t even see it with a high powered telescope.
She and her man want to...
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Watch Last night Adele and I were manning our posts as part of the neighborhood watch program when we spotted two hoodlums painting graffiti on the fence next to Joe’s Shoe Repair. Patrolling with Adele isn’t the best idea. She’s the type of girl who gets so involved in Lifetime movies that she convinces herself the sound of a leaf falling outside was really the sound of the High School football...
WatchI just met a few of the other gay Archuleta fans outside in the smoking section during intermission. We agreed that if David embraced his gay fans he’d be a lot more popular. It’s standard now and days to do so, right? The 11 year-old girl and her 43 year-old mother laughed at me when I yelled out, “Marry me!” I wonder when it won’t be funny that a guy yells that out...
Mechanical Idiot
So I finally called Luis. I’ve never officially been on a blind date before. The closest was when I apparently gave my number to some guy when I was blackout drunk one night and he called me the next day to set up a date. Technically it wasn’t a blind date because I had already met him, I just couldn’t remember it. This time is for real.
I was nervous when I called him....
“He had the softest lips. I always remember that. We dated a few times in New...”
– Pin-Up Queen Vikki Dougan talking about her brief encounter with Frank Sinatra. Never trust a guy who wants you to go on his yacht…
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Pretty Bird
I just picked Shawn up from the airport after his weekend in Houston with The Norwegian.
“He asked me to move in with him. He said he’d pay my rent in L.A. and let me have his Porsche,” he said as he played with the $2,600 personalized David Yurman dog tags he received as a gift. “Eh, I think I’m gonna end it.”
I almost side swiped a car as I pulled out of the terminal.
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Watch My girl Red invited me to a Christmas party at her good friend Steve’s house. He’s the writer/creator of a web series called Pretty and lives with his adorable husband Jim. As any married gay couples party goes, everything was spec-tac-u-lar! There was this vegetarian eggplant parmesan that was so good I ate 4 servings, which wasn’t so good because I ended up trumpeting the rest of the night....
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Green Kardashian
My friend left a message saying, “I found a guy for you. Call me back.” After a load of laundry, a turkey sandwich, an episode of ‘Parks and Rec,’ wiping the butt cheek marks off the mirror left behind from Ronnie on his birthday when we came back to my place for after hours, and paying the electrical bill, I called her back.
He’s Latino and travels for business and doesn’t...
Your Voice
While I stayed in Madrid my two favorite girls traveled up north to embark on a 2 month pilgrimage across Spain called The Camino De Santiago. On their journey they met a 50 year-old single mother of two from Atlanta named Leslie. I had the pleasure of meeting her when my boyfriend and I drove up one weekend while they were resting in Leon. She recently wrote a book about her experience and...
“You can be young without money, but you can’t be old without it.”
– Tennessee Williams.
I don’t have a 401K. I’m not exactly sure how I get one but I know that people my age have them. In fact, people younger than me have them. I’m just no good at getting that stuff together. I should have gotten one a few years ago but I was busy being young and dumb and...
Power Outs →
As much fun as it was discovering new things about each other that we had never known, I got bored and decided to roam the house. I took one of the long candles that sat in a coffee mug and walked through the house. I ended up in the kitchen, alone. I blew out the candle and stood there. It was completely dark. I was silent. I thought of how great it was to be invisible. In such a tiny house...
