Mariposa is what most of the kitchen staff calls me. The rough translation is calling someone a “fairy.” The direct translation is “butterfly.” Sometimes the younger ones like practicing their English and call me “butterfly.” I tell them that it doesn’t work in English. It’s like calling someone honey or sugar. I make sure they understand that it’s a form of flirting. They normally never...
He’s more than a cook, he’s a chef. Unlike the others who just throw in a handful of this and a pinch of that, he actually cares about the taste of a dish. He’s a creator, not an imitator like the others. I’ve respected and adored this creator ever since he transferred from Pasadena. We have the same schedule, so I spend most of my shifts orbiting around him. I’m constantly offering to get...
I’m doing a phase-out right now with an old acquaintance and it’s really making me uncomfortable. I’m no good at them. I always feel too guilty and end up buckling and returning their call. Then I act like an asshole and blame myself. “I’m so sorry. I’m a terrible person. My life is just so crazy right now. I might be heading for a nervous breakdown,” I’ll say. Why do we make...
42 Year-Old Father Server: (looking frazzled) There you are!
Young Actress Server: Sorry I’m late. I just had an audition.
42 Y.O.F.S.: I’m transferring you all my tables! I gotta be out of here in 10 minmutes so I can pick up my daughter!
Me: (interrupting) If we were filming a reality series, this is where the show would get really tense.
42 Y.O.F.S.: What?
Me: Nothing. I’m just really high.
42 Y.O.F.S.: (leaning in) Really?... Can I have some?
Me: I’m kidding.
42 Y.O.F.S.: Uh, yeah. So am I. (rushes out)
NOTE: Divorced, single fathers who are serving at my restaurant break my heart. Between the psycho ex-wife taking away visitation rights and having to sleep in a dingy studio apartment on Ventura Blvd., their lives are normally stuck under a cloud. The only ray of light they have is their children and they end up doing whatever it takes to make them happy. 42 Year-Old Father Server will work 5 doubles in a row then spend every penny he earned spoiling his daughter while he has her for the weekend. As messy as their lives are, they still have priorities.
The Comb Holder
In High School, my sister made a hallowed out male’s head out of clay. It was actual size, painted light blue and had her name and date etched on the bottom. It was a functioning piece of art, as it held all of our brushes and combs. Like spiky hair, handles and bristles jetted out from the top. We called him the comb holder. When I was 11 and curious, I removed all the brushes and...
Tips For Removing Makeup Stains From Towels →
To remove makeup stains, rub shampoo or dish detergent (preferably a grease cutting formula) into the stain. You could also try spraying with hairspray or using a non-oily makeup remover to remove the stain. Then, launder as usual… Or just throw the fucking thing out.
The Mole And His Hole
Louie’s having an issue with The Brain. He says that he no longer gets hard when they have sex. The married actor pops a woody the second they begin to kiss but Louie remains limp as a noodle. He doesn’t know why this is happening and is getting worried because sex is an important part of their relationship… Actually, it’s the only part of their relationship. I’ve had the...
Cool Like The Fonz
My Mom took me and my brothers to the south end of the island to spend the day in downtown Langley. After spending the morning touching everything in the gift shops, we had lunch. Mom had packed us sandwiches so we found a nice picnic table half way down the trail towards the water. The sun was out and reflected off my giant, blonde afro as I happily ripped tiny chunks from the tuna fish...
New Restrooms Open in Downtown Coupeville →
This doozie of an article is on the front page of my hometown’s paper… A year ago, I sent the editor a picture of me in drag and said that I’d like to contribute a lifestyle column. I wrote my number on the back of the photo. He never called back. If he only knew what was good for him… I wonder whatever happened to that photo. I’d like to think he has it in a frame on his desk.
From Young And Fabulous To Old and Fucked
I’m a huge advocator of coming out as early as possible. High school is ideal, but I know it’s normally a little later for most people, like in their 20’s. This is a sticky time to come out because it’s also when you start establishing credit. We all know that coming out/happiness takes precedence over everything else—especially bills, bills, bills. You’re so overwhelmed with the excitement and...
The Pickle Jar
Olivia has been dipping her little fingers in a lot of stuff lately and it’s driving me nuts! First it was the peanut butter jar and then the pickle jar. I’ve patiently been trying to teach her that using a fork or a spoon is just so much more sanitary, especially if we’re dealing with communal food. However, my patience has worn thin and I finally snapped at her two nights ago when we were...
The situation in Japan is tragic. Life is very fragile. I feel sorry for everyone involved… What I find most intriguing about natural disasters is when people call upon God. The man who’s supposedly responsible for everything that happens to/on this planet is the first person we turn to. I understand that praying gives people a sense of hope but if I lived in Hawaii and heard that there was...
To Catch A Deaf
Every pair of jeans she owned were stone washed, tight, and pulled up to her belly button. That’s how she got the nickname Camel Toe Kathy. She was also deaf. Her husband, an oafish man who wore his hat just resting on the top of his head, was best friends with my older brothers. I was only 7 when I’d eavesdrop as they stood around the burn barrel, being boys and drinking beers. “She’s a...
I’m trying to justify all the partying I’ve been doing lately by calling it “networking.” The only way I could piece together the other night was through the trail of receipts I found in my pocket the next morning. Apparently I had taken a taxi at some point which shows that I’m being responsible while I “network.” One of my favorite finds during this recent “networking binge” is a stud named...
“This is a really nice street you live on,” my brother said as we looked for parking. He started to parallel but stopped half way once he realized it was going to be a tight fit. “Shit, I’m not gonna try and park between a Mercedes and a BMW. I’ll just pull up here.” This was the first time he was visiting me since I moved to Beverly Hood. I always get nervous when he visits...
Olivia and I are trying to motivate each other to go on more dates. So we made a bet: the first person to go on 2 dates will win a 50 gift certificate to Zara. My first thought was, “Two dates cost at least 60 bucks each, so if I win I’m still down money.” Then I snapped out of it and said, “Stop being a weirdo dork sour puss and just go on 2 dates.” Last night I was on the hunt. It...
Come And Knock On My Door
I’ve known her since high school. In fact, we rode in the back of a convertible together during the Homecoming parade. We also went to the dance together. She made my boutonniere out of little red chilies. I think I still have it. We ended up triple dating with 2 other couples and went to a seafood restaurant that overlooked the cove. At one point during dinner, my date and another...
Kisses In The Bank
Two of my friends have recently come in contact with boys who are professionally and financially below them. Way below them. But they aren’t letting it defer them from going on another date. Now, as someone who is often looked down upon/dismissed for not having the ideal job/amount of money in the bank, I think it’s really human when people ignore social status and actually give IT a...