September 2011
40 posts
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August 2011
50 posts
Angry Leviticus Cancer
Ray: You don’t have good gaydar.
Me: (quickly and easily annoyed) Really? Give me an example.
Ray: The Crush. He’s not.
Me: (immediately angry and red-faced) O.K., being the Christian he claims to be, he should know that Leviticus 20:13 says, “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable.” He has slept in the same bed as his “best friend” for the last year, even when they had separate apartments. Unless you’re spending Super Bowl weekend in Vegas with your bros, what straight dude sleeps in the same bed as his best friend night after night? Would you? No. Exactly. He’s a fucking faggot!
Ray: *steps back, winces, and walks away*
NOTE: First of all, me saying the F-word (and I’m not talking about fuck) is so out of character. I hate that word. I have no respect/tolerance for people who say it. The minute it came out of my mouth I cringed and crumbled inside. Second of all, to get heated over something so stupid is very unlike me. People describe me as relaxed, calm, easy going, and non-confrontational. However, lately I’ve been extremely angry and I’m attributing it to my sister’s approaching death. It’s an emotion that I’m not used to and obviously not good at dealing with. I need to somehow channel that anger into something more positive and less destructive because right now it’s just making me look gross, like cancer.
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I Have 7 Brothers... At Least One Of Them Had To... →
We called him Alf and he grew up in one of America’s greatest eras, the self indulging and decadent 80’s. His well-kept mullet and stone washed jean jacket complimented Smokestacks (his barberry red, flat bed truck that had two giant, chrome mufflers jetting up the side). He likes shrimp.
Lululemon
Yoga Instructor: To any new students, please come up and introduce yourself after class. My name is Mindy and I’d love to meet you.
Me: (while putting away the chair I used to rest my forehead on because I wasn’t as flexible as everyone else who had their nose pressed against their shin) Hi, my name is Jim.
Mindy: It’s nice to meet you. So are you a sports player?
Me: No. I'm just stressed.
NOTE: I’m assuming she asked me this because of what I was wearing: a pair of basketball shorts and a T-shirt with University of Washington written across it. In order to fit in maybe my next purchase should be a pair of black stretchy yoga pants. I wonder if they’d enhance my butt and package or just put on display how non-existent they are? You know what, I'm gonna keep the gym shorts and just focus on relieving the stress right now. We'll worry about the outfit later.
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Sing Out, Louise →
singoutlouise:
I guess it’s sweet that the CVS pharmacists politely and discreetly whisper the name of my birth control pills to protect my privacy, but I’m actually not embarrassed or ashamed that I ingest said pills, so please, no worries about letting the person behind me know that I take a small amount of estrogen and progesterone (with added iron) each day in order to manage my anemia and...
Last Night
…was a success. I woke up with two lighters in my bed. Not a man but definitely just as good. The life of a lighter. My girl Chanel says that should be a movie. It’s her idea so don’t steal it. To document all the hands it touches as it opens a beer, gets exchanged, borrowed, lost, stolen, chipped, and refilled.
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Mall Hood Rat
Yesterday I met up with Ronnie for a coffee. We decided to sit at a table by the window. The shades were drawn because the sun was at eye level but it didn’t take long for Ronnie to pull the string and raise them.
“I wanna be seen,” he said as he looked out the window.
We sat there sipping on our iced mochas and catching up on nonsense when I noticed one of my regulars at the...
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“Show me a girl who says she wants a nice guy and I’ll show you a liar....”
– A co-worker’s status update. When I was in the closet I used this as one of my many excuses as to why I didn’t have a girlfriend. I never really thought about it I just said it because it shut people up. Now when I hear it I realize how ridiculous it sounds. Women LOVE nice guys. Maybe when...
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A Book By Its Cover
Last week I went to a friend’s birthday dinner at a sushi restaurant. By the time I got off work, took a spritzer (shorter than a shower, just enough time to splash the major holes and jump out), and zipped through L.A. traffic I arrived just as everyone was ordering their entrées. I weaseled my way in at the end of the 20 person-table. At the other end, unbeknownst to me, was a guy the...
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Ch-Ch-Changes
My married friends from Vegas are visiting. They said this is their last trip out here before they settle down. They’ve said this the last four times they”ve visited. It’s just so scary taking that next step in life, especially if it means giving up our freedom. But we’ll be experiencing this even when we’re 70 and at the DMV and they’re revoking our license...
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A Text Conversation
Rusty: There’s a left-handed guy at the party and he just played Ace Of Base. Ur team, right?
Me: Oh yeah.
Rusty: I was pretty sure he was. I mean, he loved me! :)
NOTE: Rusty is learning how to spot the closeted gay, which will benefit her because in the past she’s been known to fall for them. There are some girls who just always get stuck with a gay. It’s not their fault. They exude what a closeted homo likes: matronly behavior. They’re kind and sweet and will rub our backs when we’re puking in the bathroom after too many shots of tequila. In a time when our lives are so confusing, scary, and dark all we want is to be comforted. While we get it from girls like Rusty, they’re the ones who end up getting burned and hurt in the end. It's not fair.
Right In The Middle of Saturn Return
Remember that annoying girl in high school who was always pissing people off because she’d give her opinion when it wasn’t asked for and her only defense was, “What? I’m just being honest.” I wanted to smack the shit out of that girl.
Well, last night I was THAT girl. I’d like to blame it on the sangria but then I’d be acting like that OTHER girl who never took responsibility for her...
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Theatre Folk
Last night I met up with Ed and his friend Lizzie to see a play at the Pico Playhouse in which one of her friends was involved. Gotta support the community.
When I wasn’t nodding off (it was late and I’ve been working crazy hours and I’m old and it was past my bedtime and ZZZzzz) my brain was working extra hard to imagine what the people on stage did in real life. Amateur theatre is...
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Pirouettes
When I was 12, Uncle Stan took me and my 2 brothers (one was a year older than me and the other a year younger than me) to the ballet. We saw The Nutcracker. It was amazing and I still remember how warm the snow scene felt. So after the show we went to the grocery store to buy ice cream. My younger brother got separated from the group and we all had to go searching for him. Uncle Stan walked...
A Compton Love Story: Part II
We pulled up to a canary colored, two story house with bars on the windows and a front lawn that hadn’t been watered since the Rodney King riots. We knocked on the metal screen door and the noise rattled through the neighborhood, waking the Doberman pincher next door and sending it into a barking fit. The door opened and a Ving-Rhames-looking dude peered out from behind it.
“Who do you...
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A Compton Love Story: Part I
My boy Stanley (we’re close like that now) was telling me about his first sexual experience with another male. He was 12 when he fooled around with the 14 year-old neighbor boy. I can’t imagine what it’d be like to explore at that age, especially with the same sex. I thought that only happened in Mexico. He and the neighbor ended up having camp outs in the backyard every other weekend where...
“Be careful walking down this street, there’s dog shit everywhere. Yeah, my...”
– A pear shaped older woman with purple nails and frizzy grey hair, wearing an oversized plain red T-shirt and loose-fit Wrangler jeans stopped Uncle Stan and I on the street to tell us this. Uncle Stan says that people in L.A. are so friendly and talkative, which he loves. He’s a talker himself...
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Life Is...
Life is easy. Life is hard. Life is birth. Life is death. Life is polite. Life is vulgar. Life is up. Life is down. Life is lite. Life is heavy. Life is long. Life is short. Life is a lot of things. If it were just one thing we’d all be bored.
I Love Women, Just Not Like That
Uncle Stan: I actually like straight porn.
Me: Really? That's interesting.
Uncle Stan: Why? What don't you like about it.
Me: Uh, the woman.
NOTE: Men watch porn. It doesn't matter if they're young or old, gay or straight, married or single. They're gonna keep watching it, so don't feel bad.
Snoop
When was the last time I snooped? I think it was when I was 8 and my brothers and I would search through the clothes in my parent’s closet hoping to find money. Too young to realize we were poor, we’d only ever end up finding gum wrappers, spare buttons, and if we were lucky a paper clip. A paper clip had a lot of value because not only was it shiny like a coin but it could also be used as a...
A Split Second
I gave Uncle Stan the password to my computer yesterday in case he wanted to check the Internet or watch a DVD while I was at work. Somehow he “stumbled” upon a video I had made last week when I was drunk. It was of me playing a voicemail from him and then discussing how I thought 10 days was too long but that I had to stop being a little shit and just get over it and accept the...
