January 2012
41 posts
Just Another Field Fire
Dad didn’t like us lighting fireworks because we were surrounded by fields of dry grass. He had seen enough of his children start 4th of July fires to know that it’s just not worth it. So when he left to go shopping and on his ride, we knew we had about 2 hours free to light bottle rockets.
Instead of shooting the rockets out of a PVC pipe straight into the sky like we normally did, we...
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Knee Pop
I called Chanel to see how things were going with her Match.com guy.
“You should probably start thinking of usernames,” she said confidently.
It’s only been 2 weeks but things are going well. The only thing she’s having a hard time getting over is the age difference. She’s 31 and he’s 47.
“Think about it. He was 16 when I was born,” she said.
“Yeah, it’s weird if you...
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Watch One of the things I treasure most about living with Sweet D is her cooking skills. There’s nothing I love more than walking through my courtyard after a long day of work and hearing the sound of a knife chopping something on the cutting board. I’ll stand below and stare up at the window and listen as pots and pans clink together while something sizzles on the burner. I smile when I hear her...
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The Head, His Lover, and The Mafia in Hollywood
So, about that severed head found in the Hollywood Hills… My brother called the day the news broke to make sure it wasn’t my head. To ease his nerves I assured him that I don’t hang out with people like that (which is what, dead people?).I didn’t tell him, however, that I’m part of a neighborhood watch program and am currently investigating the crime. Even though Hollywood isn’t in my...
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Nixon Vs. The Russian
Last night I met up with Olivia and her Russian co-workers to celebrate the Chinese New Year. I was talking to one of my favorites, a 60 year old who won’t leave the house without wearing designer fur and at least 10 spritzes of perfume, about the recent Cynthia Nixon scandal and how she believes being gay is a choice. The Russian and I both agreed that Ol’ Red was cray cray, but the...
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Downsizing
“I used to be a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills,” she said in her thick French accent as she opened the garage door and showed us her Escalade and Mercedes. “Now I’m gonna be a Real Housewife of Downtown.”
The hostess recently divorced her husband who apparently is going to jail for stealing a few million from a charity. It’s all shady money in Los Angeles. Since he’s leaving her with...
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WatchRonnie and I were at the Costco in Culver City buying booze for another one of those bartending gigs I’ve got this Saturday. Two of my regulars want me to bartend for their girls only party… Since we were on the Westside we decided to stop in for a quick drink at the Roostersfish. We’re attempting to butch it up and play pool. You know, just setting the vibe. Ronnie sunk a ball...
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Richard Simmons And Mom
I thought it’d be a good idea. She used to watch his videos and cry right along with him as he held the hand of an obese woman and told her, “it’s a struggle.” Little did I know that bringing Mom to Richard Simmons’ motivational class on Saturday would be a mistake.
It got off to a shaky start the minute we sat down in the circle and one of his harems, who was passing out papers...
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Watch My future ex boyfriend will watch this video and say, “Good riddance.” My future husband will watch this video and laugh. This is the card Grandma Judy made on craft night. She didn’t have enough letters to spell out my sister-in-law’s name so she shortened it. Hey, make do with what you got…
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Watch The Golden Globes are being held in my back yard so Sweet D and I went on a reconnaissance mission to see if there’s a spot for Grandma Judy to set up shop and do some star watching. Security is tight and we weren’t allowed to cross the street but we saw a group of people gathered behind a chain linked fence so we checked it out. It was the spot all the dirty paparazzi who wasn’t invited took...
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Contents of A Purse
“Man, it sounds like Grandma Judy is already here,” Sweet D said as she shook her purse to over exaggerate the sound of pills rattling back and forth in plastic bottles. I asked her what she had inside. “Some ibuprofen and a bottle of aspirin my Mom gave me,” she said. Last week she unzipped the front pocket of her hand bag to grab some chap stick but pulled out a handful of orange peels....
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Grossness
“Your Mom is gonna love that smell,” said Jazz referring to my urine soaked carpet.
“It’s gross, I know, but she’s used to it,” I said.
Last year on my birthday I wet the bed. This year, now that I’m a little older and wiser, I actually made it out of bed and pissed in the corner of my room. Such a big boy!
I thought it was a good idea to have a medicinal cookie before I went...
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Governor Chris Gregoire, representing my hometown... →
“I have been on my own journey. I will admit that. It has been a battle for me with my religion,” said Gregoire, who is Catholic. “I have always been uncomfortable with the position that I have taken publicly. And then I came to realize the religions can decide what they want to do but it is not OK for the state to discriminate.”
Boys Boys Boys
Shawn stopped by my place last night on his way home from the gym to say hello. I haven’t seen him much lately so we played catch up. I asked him about The Norwegian and how things were going. He told me that after the trip to Texas he realized that The Norwegian was just too nice and stopped all communication with him.
“I need drama. I think I want a married man,” he said as he...
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Watch One thing I’m looking forward to in 2012 is the new law that’ll require schools in California to include the contributions of people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender in social studies curriculum. When he signed the bill back in July, Governor Brown said, “History should be honest.” He’s right.
I think this is going to be beneficial on so many levels, especially for those...
