Adele’s younger sister just went off to college and, following in her older sister’s footsteps, joined a sorority. She’s the healthy, normal shaped one on the left, standing next to the thigh-gapped, mantis-armed anorexic on the right. Do you think any of the girls will address her eating disorder within the first quarter? Or will they let it go until the third quarter when they finally have to say something because either A.) she collapsed at the Beta Theta BBQ after one Jell-O shot or B) they’re tired of someone always stealing the box of Lucky Charms from the pantry.
I’d love to do my college experience over again, only this time as an out and proud gay man.
I fantasized what it’d be like to start a Kickstarter campaign that’d raise enough money for me to go back to college (UCLA, 4 yrs x $33,000 = a whopping 133 grand), only this time as an out and proud man, and I’d blog about the experience. It’d be the classic tale of old man trying to get a second chance at the one regret he had in life, one of those Jerri Blank “Though the faces have changed, the hassles are just the same” types of thing. I’d promise to post 5 days a week, at least a picture and story each day, and a vlog once a week. I’d start in the dorms, where my roommate Andy, a strict Christian Asian who knelt in bed each night to pray, ends up moving out because he was offended not by the rainbow flag hanging above my bed, but that I used his computer to look up gay porn while mine was in the shop getting repaired for viruses. His replacement, an Australian named Bryan, who loves being barefoot, never has bed sheets, and often wakes up with twigs in his hair, would encourage me to rush with him the following quarter. I’d join a frat, hoping to be the token gay, but find out that Levii (“It’s two i’s, not one”) was also vying for that title. We’d hate each other, as gays often do, but luckily for me, Levii disappears randomly after the Preference Party and is never seen again. Rumor has it someone cut the brake lines to his Fiat and he drove off a cliff in Malibu Canyon. I’d be head of the decorating committee, and eventually fall in love with Todd, the closeted social chair, who finally kisses me in the alley behind the Kappa Kappa Gamma house. We’d secretly date for a week, before he fucks Alvin, the captain of the rugby team. They immediately go public and become THE gay couple on campus. Jealous and bitter, I start dating one of the editors of the campus paper, whom I don’t even like, especially after he asked me what makes me happy and scoffed when I replied, ”Seeing changing tables in men’s bathrooms.” I date him anyways, but mostly so I can use him for his connections— he’s friends with guys at the media center who loan me the camera and boom mic so I can re-make Positive K’s “I’ve Got A Man,” an obvious attempt to make Todd jealous. I replace the lead female with myself. In bright orange cut-offs, I sassily sing, “I got a question to ask you troop. Are you a chef, ‘cause you keep feedin’ me soup.” The video gains popularity thanks to a column in the paper, written by my so-called boyfriend, that questions white, gay males cultural appropriation of black women. Everyone ends up ditching me and as a way to start my sophomore year fresh, I switch my major from Comp. Lit. to Women’s Studies.