May 12, 2013

     When Mom was visiting we had a conversation about what it was like having all those children. She said, “It wasn’t like you just had sex and you were pregnant. Getting pregnant was a big spiritual thing for me.” This says a lot about a woman. For her to view pregnancy as something spiritual as opposed to a burden or mistake or chore really shows that she was meant to be a mother.

     Now, she never expected to have ALL those kids. She thought that after having the 7th and being older that her body was done reproducing.  Little did she know there were three more on the way. She had a special name for each one… After the 10th the doctor suggested a hysterectomy (which she liked the idea of because it meant no more periods) which sent her into menopause. The combination of the two created a chemical imbalance in her body that caused a nervous breakdown, which is another whole story. Man, her body just didn’t want to give up having children! Now that’s the definition of a true mother. 

May 10, 2013
    Things you’ll see in a successful, well built, 40 year-old single gay man’s two story, three-bedroom house: A mantel covered with pictures of himself throughout the years.  A plastic carpet runner up the stairs. A fridge stocked with non-generic brands, with the exception of Bud Light. An office with at least two phones and a rubber medicine ball in the corner. Pee drops and pubes lining the rim of the toilet. A hybrid car parked in the garage.

    Things you’ll see in a successful, well built, 40 year-old single gay man’s two story, three-bedroom house:

  • A mantel covered with pictures of himself throughout the years. 
  • A plastic carpet runner up the stairs.
  • A fridge stocked with non-generic brands, with the exception of Bud Light.
  • An office with at least two phones and a rubber medicine ball in the corner.
  • Pee drops and pubes lining the rim of the toilet.
  • A hybrid car parked in the garage.

May 10, 2013

     Last Saturday I was invited to a birthday party for a gentleman who was turning, um, I’m not quite sure but it was older than 35. My straight friends keep telling me that I need to hang out with gays who grew up watching DuckTales as opposed to SpongeBob SquearPants if I want to find a boyfriend. So I gave it a go. What I discovered was that single gays act the exact same no matter how old they are.

     When the hired bartender (also a working porn star) took a break from shaking martinis to shake his ass in a striptease, we all gathered around in a circle to hoot and holler while throwing bills at him. At first I thought it was going to turn into something perverted like the “ass to ass” scene in Requiem For A Dream, but thankfully everyone was respectful and just there for fun. To be honest, most of them were really shy, especially when it came time to introducing themselves. They would not come up to me so I had to make most of the effort. When I asked one guy if he was going to get in the pool later on he made a Beaker-type noise, nervously giggled, and scuffled out of the kitchen. However, they weren’t shy when it came to sex. By the end of the night they were all skinny dipping in the heated pool. As they lifted one guy out of the water I yelled, “Hold it!” so I could get a picture. They laughed and said, “Hold it? Well, if you insist,” and then grabbed his cherries.

     The only real difference between them and younger gays was that their jokes were dated. When the jacuzzi spout broke and shot water everywhere one screamed, “Oh Jezzzus, is that Ethel Merman?” which sent the rest into a fit of laughter. It reminded me of something Mom would say. Ron Ron turned to me and asked, “Who’s Ethel Merman? Is she the evil woman in The Little Mermaid?”

May 9, 2013

     Yesterday Nixxx and I met up with Shane Michael for a tour of the Playboy offices. He told us all the stories behind everything, including how the staircase was modeled after the curvature of a woman’s back. I asked if this particular woman had scoliosis. The tour ended at the full service bar, which is something every office should have. We drank our weight in booze and spilled a little and said a few things that were stoopid (I was trying to convince some editors that in order to increase profits Playboy needs to turn more gay. “Gays are the future, they’re where the money is,” I said confidently without even thinking of Playgirl) and Shane pointed at Nixxx saddling up to the bar and said, “You can tell how drunk someone is by the way they’re sitting at a bar. When she first got here she was poised and standing as she ordered drinks, now look at her.” I believe at this point she was trying to order Long Island Ice Teas. We had a blast, but I’m pretty sure we won’t be invited back.

May 9, 2013 • jimnasium.com
May 8, 2013
     When Mom called I decided to take a walk because I knew it’d be a long conversation since we haven’t spoken in a while and I really wanted to squeeze sun into my schedule today, so I killed two birds with one stone. Walking down Robbins Dr., just a block from my place and one of my favorite streets in Los Angeles, I decided to trespass and explore the courtyards. Each one is so different and unique. This particular one made me feel like I was back in Spain.      I sat on the tiled fountain like a salamander roasting in the sun and listened as Mom told me how her brother, whom she lives with and is taking care of, claims that she didn’t leave the convent for my father, but rather she was kicked out because the priest asked her to go in the same confessional as him and she refused. My parents met when Dad was visiting his sister at the convent and Mom was a practicing nun. As she’s telling me this he’s in the background laughing and coughing and I’m pretty sure he let out a bark. He’s diabetic so for his birthday last week she bought him a dozen glazed doughnuts. The next morning there was only one left. She said that they tried the Nutrisytem diet together but didn’t lose a pound so they went back to what made them happy. As much as I want her to be healthy, I can’t get angry at her for doing what makes her happy. That’s just the way it is. 

     When Mom called I decided to take a walk because I knew it’d be a long conversation since we haven’t spoken in a while and I really wanted to squeeze sun into my schedule today, so I killed two birds with one stone. Walking down Robbins Dr., just a block from my place and one of my favorite streets in Los Angeles, I decided to trespass and explore the courtyards. Each one is so different and unique. This particular one made me feel like I was back in Spain.

     I sat on the tiled fountain like a salamander roasting in the sun and listened as Mom told me how her brother, whom she lives with and is taking care of, claims that she didn’t leave the convent for my father, but rather she was kicked out because the priest asked her to go in the same confessional as him and she refused. My parents met when Dad was visiting his sister at the convent and Mom was a practicing nun. As she’s telling me this he’s in the background laughing and coughing and I’m pretty sure he let out a bark. He’s diabetic so for his birthday last week she bought him a dozen glazed doughnuts. The next morning there was only one left. She said that they tried the Nutrisytem diet together but didn’t lose a pound so they went back to what made them happy. As much as I want her to be healthy, I can’t get angry at her for doing what makes her happy. That’s just the way it is. 

May 8, 2013 • 3daysgobyy

     These are notes supposedly written by a stay-at-home-dad to his wife. Judging from the handwriting I’d say he’s a closeted homo. I’m no graphologist but as an ex-closeted homo who studied handwriting in order to write like all the other boys, those “v’s” look too much like “u’s.” And the fact that he was in a fraternity, I mean come on!  Screams homo! Either this guy is gay or his wife wrote them and posted it on Facespace under his name to make him look cool. Judgement aside, I still think they’re clever…which only strengthens my argument!

(via jermeeth)