Last Saturday I was invited to a birthday party for a gentleman who was turning, um, I’m not quite sure but it was older than 35. My straight friends keep telling me that I need to hang out with gays who grew up watching DuckTales as opposed to SpongeBob SquearPants if I want to find a boyfriend. So I gave it a go. What I discovered was that single gays act the exact same no matter how old they are.
When the hired bartender (also a working porn star) took a break from shaking martinis to shake his ass in a striptease, we all gathered around in a circle to hoot and holler while throwing bills at him. At first I thought it was going to turn into something perverted like the “ass to ass” scene in Requiem For A Dream, but thankfully everyone was respectful and just there for fun. To be honest, most of them were really shy, especially when it came time to introducing themselves. They would not come up to me so I had to make most of the effort. When I asked one guy if he was going to get in the pool later on he made a Beaker-type noise, nervously giggled, and scuffled out of the kitchen. However, they weren’t shy when it came to sex. By the end of the night they were all skinny dipping in the heated pool. As they lifted one guy out of the water I yelled, “Hold it!” so I could get a picture. They laughed and said, “Hold it? Well, if you insist,” and then grabbed his cherries.
The only real difference between them and younger gays was that their jokes were dated. When the jacuzzi spout broke and shot water everywhere one screamed, “Oh Jezzzus, is that Ethel Merman?” which sent the rest into a fit of laughter. It reminded me of something Mom would say. Ron Ron turned to me and asked, “Who’s Ethel Merman? Is she the evil woman in The Little Mermaid?”